i am having a crisis of faith. in archaeology. in my ability to relate to archaeology.

i think i'm in over my head. it stopped interesting me a long time ago, and now it's no longer an exercise in academic ability, it's supposed to be a 'career', and i've got zero faith that i'm good enough to progress anywhere.

i've basically made myself completely unemployable in any other arena due to being overqualified in a discipline that's making me physically sick. wicked, well done.

i am mainly defined by the things i dislike and don't do

i dislike bono
i don't drink booze
i dislike crowds
i don't eat meat
i dislike flying
i don't smoke

being a vegetarian, teetotal, non-smoker in northern europe is pretty much taken to mean you have serious mental problems and either need to be pitied or feared. not so much the non-smoker part these days, if you try and smoke anywhere in britain at least you get shot.


i may have minor mental problems, as have many of us! but i need not be pitied! feared i like more...

the main one that seems to bother people is the not drinking thing. i think they think i'm going to judge them or something. like i'd judge them for having brown hair when mine is blonde? i have absolutely no problem with people drinking alcohol, and i sometimes wonder if the people who dislike my not partaking are maybe a bit worried about their own booze consumption.

the easiest people to go out with are people who don't care (which is most people). but it only takes one paranoid person in a group to make me feel like a prat. like i shouldn't be in a drinking environment as i can't fully enjoy. like i shouldn't enjoy being around drunk people...

in the long run though, i'm alot happier not drinking. i was very depressed when i drank alot, and i think the alcohol was contributary to the depression. i still get depressed, but not so dramatically. things don't get broken anymore, people aren't scared of me anymore.

buddhism has also helped me with the not-drinking thing. it's ok not to drink. there's a whole world of people out there who don't drink alcohol. i'm not alone! i can experience and learn and stuff without being off my face, which is what alot of nothern european culture at least seems to be grounded in...

as an idiot of the highest order, i'm not the most erm, thingy, er....... articulate! of people. as such i don't really like talking about anything too complicated, so i find it difficult to admit that i'm a (theravadan) buddhist.

it sounds silly, pretentious and is pretty much incitement to be laughed at and annoyed by alot of people. some of the most tolerant, well rounded, liberal people i've met would ridicule me for expressing that i'm buddhist... so i keep quiet. shhhhhhh.... it's the worrying thing about modern, uber-liberalism. everyone's supposed to be the same. intellectually and spiritually bland. or that's how i feel sometimes. but then i might be getting a little paranoid about this.

i came to buddhism in a round about way. curiosity led to more and more reading, which led to meditation, which led to more reading and meditation, which led to better understanding and the realisation that i've always had values and ideas and approaches to things that buddhism succinctly sums up. it wasn't revelatory or anything, it was just nice to find a tradition that i could turn to for intellectual and emotional help that i understood and could relate to.

but still, i hide from telling people! i get embarassed and confused and expect people to mock me, which is probably unfair to them...